I took out a journal today that I had started last year...I've been wanting to kick start that habit again but have been paralyzed in starting so. I think partially because of what I'm afraid will come out on paper. I'm going to have to face my own struggles, fears and weaknesses. But you can't get "better" if you don't try or start somewhere. That is what I have told HUNDREDS of people when they embark on their fitness journey - so it's time I take my own advice in life.
Finding my Way Again
This morning's journal entry prompt asked me to list the things (past and present) that feel like blockades in the way of happiness - terrifying right?
There are the things in the past that had once caused me fear which now I laugh about today - things like getting my drivers license, not EVER finding someone to love me - and then more so things of the present. Dealing with some social anxiety, fixating on certain issues and not stopping until its "better" - I'm so good at putting my own insecurities on the back burner and trying to work out everyone else's stuff. Other things that get in the way of my own happiness include time away from working as a full time nurse - and feeling guilty that I don't necessarily WANT to be doing it full time though I feel as if I SHOULD. I have the fear of discomfort, being judged, missing out on the good things in life -
I noticed in my journaling it comes down to a couple different things that stand in my way of being happy.
1. Myself. - Not allowing myself to just relax and TRULY be happy where I am. I get the chance to be grateful daily. I have the choice to change who I want to be each day ... am I fully and intentionally doing that? Anyone else feel like you get in your own way? Creating problems don't exist or intensifying problems that really aren't much of a problem at all.
2. Fear. - And fear can be a lying, soul sucking beast. Agree? False Evidence Appearing Real right? Looking at my list of fears - I need to realize that a LOT of these so called fears in fact will only work against me if I let them. And that again is MY choice. I have the choice to overcome.
As everyone launched into 2019, positively writing their new years goals, dreams and endeavors and planning their party- I was helping my family plan my mom's funeral. Not exactly a super invigorating time to pop the champagne or get your head in the right place to succeed. Grief has been an ugly beast and has affected more than I thought it would. I think much of the stuff is right under the surface and has been creeping there for a while. Everyone says that you grieve in your own way, on your own timeline - and what might help me cope probably isn't going to be the same answer for someone else.
Been struggling with clarity a lot lately - where my focus should be. Maybe you struggle with that too. Writing is a way to get my thoughts down on paper and I'm praying that this will help me sort through all the thoughts and ideas that rush through my head.
Do you journal?
What has helped you in hard times?
Do you struggle with anxiety? and if so...what has helped you?
Cookie and Treats Baker. R.N. Nutrition Nerd. Runner. <3 Coffee. Fitness. Foodie. In pursuit of finding my own kind of balance...
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